In the year 2525

Currently on Radio 4 Extra there is a comedy programme called 2525.  It is one of those shows where members of the general public were asked to send in sketches set 512 years in the future (well, it was at the time)  As i sometimes have the inspiration to write comedy sketches i thought I'd take part.  Unfortunately I missed the cut off date and wasn't able to find out whether mine would make the cut or not.  So, I'd like to just share a few of them here.

This is my Dad's Army in Space, The Exploration Years sketch:

 

Star Trek had a deleted scene in it that closely resembles Dad’s Army.  Here is what remains of the script;

Captain Pike;    Whistle while you work, Khan Singh is a twerp, he’s half barmy so’s his army…;              

Khan Singh;      Your name will go on the list                         also.  What is your name human?

Spock:               Don’t tell him Pike

Captain Pike:     You stupid boy!

  

Next is my sketch from the point of view of a Robot Maid:

‘'Late again I see.  I do all that I can for my master.  Every morning he wakes up and I’m there, by his side, with a cup of tea.  When he gets home I’m there, with a cup of tea.  I always make myself presentable, looking as clean and fresh as I can.  Does he notice me?  Not a chance.  All the other maids get his fullest attention.  I wish he’d treat me like a wanton Droid.   Instead of that Pro 5000, Bitch!  But me, I don’t get a first or second glance.  Oh well, I resign myself to always being the Teasmaid and never the Maid’

 

 

Water (stones) Off a Duck’s Back

Just a few days ago I went to my local shopping centre to spend the five pound gift voucher I’d been given as a Secret Santa present.  The voucher was for the book shop Waterstones.  My intention was to buy one of the many great titles by the American humourist David Sedaris.  Having enjoyed many of his recitals on the Radio 4 programme 'Meet David Sedaris' I decided it was time to actually buy one of his books. 
And so, having checked the Waterstones website for the availability of his latest title I ventured forth to the shop.  When I got there I made my way up the stairs to the first floor, and headed for the shop’s humour section.  After all having been billed as a humourist it seemed likely I’d find his books there.  This, it seemed was an incorrect assumption to make, as having scanned the section there were none there. 
Being the (almost) sane and rational person that I am I surmised that I must be looking in the wrong area.  Returning to the ground floor I headed for the ‘A – Z of Author’ section.  Unfortunately this turned out to be wrong as well, and I was still unable to find what I came in for.  Turning on my heel I was approached by a member of staff.  She asked me if I was O.K., to which I replied ‘yes but I am unable to find a book by the humourist David Sedaris’
At this juncture I was thinking ‘great, some service, this is sure to solve my conundrum’.  And yes, if you’re reading this you may well be thinking the same thing.  But, alas more is to come that almost puts pay to that theory.  Helpful as she was, this (so-called) customer adviser only went so far in bringing the joy of literature to my hands.  For you see, when I said the name David Sedaris she looked at me as if I’d just said your hair is like a ball of wool, and your face is like a knitting pattern.  There was a real lack of knowledge behind the look.  And when she asked me to spell it I had the option of going for two sarcastic answers; ‘I.T.’ or ‘D.A.V.I.D.’, instead I politely spelled out S.E.D.A.R.I.S, and when I said he’d recently had a programme broadcast on BBC Radio 4 she might as well have offered me a seat, a cup of tea and a biscuit; because, apparently, only old people listen to that station. Once before when I told someone I’d listened to something on Radio 4 I was met with the response of ‘oh yes my Granddad listens to that’, as if to say I’m not yet old enough to expose myself to the more cultured side of broadcasting.  Continuing with the search for the book, she helpfully offered to have a look on their computer system to see if it was in stock.  ‘We have one copy of that in the ‘Humour’ section, she informed me.  I must have missed it, I thought to myself.  An awkward silence followed which now created a little confusion and a slight stand off between us.  Seeing as she is the shop assistant and I’m the customer I thought she was going to provide me with the next level of assistance by offering to get it for me.  I must have misunderstood the principles of customer service with this one because that silence continued on its merry way, and it was then down to me to suggest I go back up the stairs for a second look.  And just like the stairs, for the second time I still did not find my reward. I did however find a book by another American writer, Demetri Martin.  Further investigation on my little goose chase revealed that the book I was looking for was actually placed in the Biography section.  My holy grail had been found, Hurrah!

The moral of this tale is this; sometimes you have to do ALL the hard work yourself.

New Year New Attitude

It might appear from those that (may or may not) visit this site that I have been rather slacking with the upkeep of this blog.  There is no other discernible reason for this than my failure to write anything I felt warrants any public airing.  Plus the fact that the Edinburgh Fringe Festival was the last big event that I attended.
Not that I haven't done anything since then, but I didn't feel the need to bring it to anyone's attention.
Like a lot of aspiring writers (and by that I mean the ones I've actually met) I don't see my life as very eventful. From one day to the next I go to work like many others and then rest and play (minus the play).  Also like many others I have made New Years resolutions.  Whether or not i stick to them is another thing. for now however, I shall pretend that the one resolution to write more and update this blog on a more regular basis is the one I shall embrace for all I'm worth.
With that in mind I made it very clear to my brother (with whom I live) that he must give me a proverbial kick up the arse in order that I should spend at least one hour each night writing (or procrastinating to myself, whichever comes first; I think we can all guess the answer to that one).
Such is the solitary pursuit of writing that it can be difficult to know whether or not anyone else will appreciate the work you put into it, and so for me that has meant I very rarely mention it to people in my life.  Having said that I decided that this year I will begin allowing those around me to judge for themselves.  of course it could backfire, I may well be provided with feedback I don't necessarily care for and I'll stop allowing people to see into my imagination.  I honestly hope that doesn't end up being the case.  Its often daunting letting those around you into your own private world because the fear of rejection is often at your side.  Of course that could just be me.  I can still remember the first time I gave a work colleague a hard copy of a short story I'd been working on (one of my first in fact), only for them to tell me how they would have written it.  The fact that they themselves had never written anything in their life before but were able to make me question my own abilities was a little disheartening.  This though only proved to spurn me on and forced me into signing up for a creative writing class at my local college.  I then became a member of an on/off writing group,  unfortunately that group seemed to gradually disband.  I am now on the lookout for a new one to join.  So, if anyone from Swindon or the surrounding area is in a group that is willing to welcome a new member please get in touch.
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Edinburgh Festival Fringe Day 5 - The Finale

Friday 16^th August

For me this was the final day of my festival activity.  Today was another of those to include a show on my wish list.  This (Jigsaw) was one of the first shows I’d thought of going to see when it was announced in the run up to the festival.  I’ll come back to that in due course, however for the time being let me regale you with my thoughts on the Best of the Fest highlights show.  This was billed as an hour of the best up and coming acts you can see at the festival.  With the exception of Christian Reilly (who appeared in Richard Herring’s As it Occurs To Me Podcast a few years ago), I hadn’t heard of any of the acts on the bill.
The first act was Danny Ward, a relatively new comic who told us of his coping strategies in stressful situations.  These mostly consist of chants to help with relaxation.  One of the stories he told, where he felt the need for one of this chants, was at a place called Teapot Island (?) – No, I hadn’t heard of it either- He assured the audience of its existence.  It’s in Maidstone, Kent.  He described it as an Orwellian Nightmare, which for the rest of us would be the literal sense of the term Big Brother (as opposed to a rubbish Reality TV show).  Throughout the rest of his set he went through a list of his of his anxiety disorders.  For a man with so many disorders he seemed to cope very well on a stage (ironic, I know).  Thankfully this wasn't one of those depressing therapy sessions. Quite the contrary.  His humour was typically English, that of self deprecation. 
After Danny came a female sketch group called Croft and Pearce.  Their first sketch was centred on the Girl Guides, in which one of the duo played the part of Brown Owl, and the other played one of the girls, both adopting Geordie accents.  The premise of this sketch was that Brown Owl was demonstrating some anti-bullying techniques.  Of course this was less a study in Anti bullying techniques and more a demonstration of the Brown Owl character's lack of tact, diplomacy and leadership.  A trait at which all the best character comedy excels.  Some of the ‘children’ were given unflattering names such as 'Fatty Boom Boom', and other culturally unacceptable terms. It was a great lesson in bad leadership.
From there they proceeded to a sketch built around two female characters that wouldn’t have been out of place in the film Brief Encounter.  If Brief Encounter was more about the Women’s Institute and less about the love affair at a train station that is!  One of the ladies was going crazy because of an event being cancelled while the other was trying to calm her down.  This was played out in typically farcical fashion, ultimately leading to the both of them becoming nervous wrecks.  Skilfully written and superbly acted, this duo may well have been my highlight of the showcase.
The penultimate act was the aforementioned Christian Reilly.  His forte seems to be that of a musical impressionist (although not very flattering).  the first example was a demonstration of Bruce Springsteen’s environmentally unfriendly approach to song writing.  That of him singing songs mainly about driving to or from his ‘baby’ or ‘best girl’
Next on his hit list was the ex-Roxy Music singer Bryan Ferry.  The mocking of him came in the shape of Christian pointing out what a hypocrite he is when it comes to Fox hunting.  The song he did to demonstrate this ended with the line ‘What’s your name, get off my land’, which is based on the last line of the song ‘Virginia Plain’
His final victims were The Arctic Monkeys.  It seemed easy for Christian to take a pot shot at their songs.  Not that I wish them any ill will, you understand (I am a fan).  Christian Reilly took their hit single ‘I Bet You Look Good On The Dance floor’ and turned it into ‘Clean Up Your Dance floor’, which turned out to be his funniest parody of all.
The final act of this showcase was Geoff Norcott.  He was there to promote his show ‘Occasionally Sold Out’
Within the first five seconds of coming onto stage he indicated that he may not be well liked because of some of his views.  This turned out to be a confession of being a Tory voter.  Oh well, I guess someone has to be!  Still it has to be said he didn’t spend too much time kissing the butts of the Conservatives.  Some of his material revolved around the young/old divide.  He made jokes about there being a war between those two factions but it would have to be between two and four pm due to the lateness of the young getting out of bed and the old needing a nap after lunch (presuming they had lunch on the dot of twelve).  He also talked about the current austerity measures that we as a nation are currently facing.  His politics aside he was a very competent comedian with an excellent world view.
To round the show off, our compere returned to the stage (I didn’t catch his name) wrapping things up by dancing like Beyonce to her hit Crazy in Love.  It doesn’t sound funny on paper but when a man in his late 30's performs a dance made famous by such a female icon, shaking his booty to boot (no pun intended) one can but laugh!

With a two hour gap between shows me and my friend went for lunch in a small cafe down the road from the Pleasance Courtyard (where both of today's shows were held).  We killed time until the final show - of which I’d been looking forward to all week - began.  The show in question was Jigsaw - Jiggle It.  This sketch group is made up of three comedians, Dan Antapolski, Nat Luurtsema and Tom Craine.  All excellent performers in their own right.  These guys had written a vast amount of sketches for this show.  The show was full of quick set ups and punch lines, all incredibly different.  How they managed to remember all that material is beyond me.  They spent an hour cleverly starting each sketch from the punchline of the previous one.  Again, not sure how they managed it but the whole thing seemed to have a subtle narrative running through it, to which they returned again and again.  Due to the speed at which they jumped from sketch to sketch unsurprisingly they kept the costume changes to a minimum. And even when one was required it was little more than a thrown over affair. 

The sketches ranged from Tom giving Nat a dud scratch card and telling her it was a winner, to songs like The Broadband Bandito.  They performed a number of sketches based on relationships and friendships new and old.  They even managed to do a sketch based in an advertising agency, coming up with slogans for cars.  Throughout the show I could only recall  five or six sketches that I'd heard on their recent Radio 4 show.  Towards the end of the show, Jigsaw managed to bring a conclusion to the story arcs they’d introduced in earlier sketches.
Looking back, for me this was the perfect ending to both their show and my time spent at the festival.  Thank you to all the performers who I saw at The Greatest Comedy and Arts Festivals in the world.   

Edinburgh Festival Fringe Day 4

Thursday 15^th August

To say I had been looking forward, and was very excited about, the second of today’s shows is an understatement.  Of course that excitement didn’t extend to the physical part of my being.  I prefer that to be contained, controlled and hidden. But the day of the show I booked first had arrived.  That day being when I get to sit in the audience of The Comedians Comedian Podcast.  More on that later.
For now let’s concentrate on the Amnesty International Secret Podcast. This, as the name so obviously suggests, is in support of Amnesty International.  This is the organisation who concentrates on issues of freedom of speech and human rights.
Each show is hosted by a different comedian  Today it was the turn of John Moloney, who over the course of an hour brought fellow comedians onto the stage who in turn offer their opinions on topics currently in the news.  They also hand the stage over to other comedians who provide us with five minutes of their own brand of humour.  Most of the comedians being showcased are lesser known but ambassadors for the causes all the same. 
In this recoding of the podcast their showcase comedians were Lee Camp from America and Diane Spencer from England via Australia.  In addition to these two, Beardyman, a champion beat boxer, was also given stage time.  The non performing guests were Mark Dolan and Alfie Moore.   
After coming onto stage and doing some of his own stand up comedy John Moloney introduced the first act, American stand up Lee Camp.  His comedy largely consisted of jokes at the expense of his home country and to a lesser extent Guantanamo Bay.  Even after having seen him on television a few times I wasn’t sure I liked him (as a comedian).  However, in this live context my opinion of him shifted, albeit just a little.
Mark Dolan was next to come onto the stage.  He talked about his show ‘You’re Awesome’ in which members of the audience are invited onto stage to talk about their achievements in life.  We also found out a little background information on him.  For instance, he informed us of his beginnings in comedy.  These date back to 1993, when he was part of a sketch group, formed at university and his experiences of the Festival at that time.
Next to perform was Diane Spencer. I had had first hand experience of her stand up when I saw part of her show Wit, Charm and Filth on her YouTube channel.  Then I thought she was Australian but I have since found that she is British.  Even then I found her engaging and witty, relying on stories of her own life experiences and mostly about the prejudice she has suffered because of her hair colour.  The reason I thought she was Australian was revealed to me after seeing her perform on this podcast.  She has put a lot of thought into the way ginger haired people have been maligned over the years.  In the short time she had on stage here she informed us of the way Australians are more prejudiced against redheads than just about anywhere else in the world.  Of one experience she explained how a particular pub in Australia conducted a ‘Bring a Ranga’ night. This ‘event’ is centred on someone without ginger (or red) hair bringing a ginger (or red) haired person with them in order to get in for free.  She had been with a bloke at the time to whom she asked its meaning, and when he explained the term she refused to go with him.  Later that evening she decided to go to this pub on her own and see if she would be allowed in.  However when she got to the pub she was turned away because ‘it’s Bring a ranga’ not ‘being a ranga’ night.
After Diane Spencer came Alfie Moore.  John Moloney introduced him with the opening gambit of From Copper to Comedian; he is the Laughing Policeman, its Alfie Moore. It’s a strange change of career but as Alfie said he wanted to show that there are some policemen with a sense of humour.  His comedy credentials include the name of his first Edinburgh show as I Predict a Riot, which he had to then change to I Predicted a Riot.  Alfie’s latest show is called Viva Alf’s Vegas, A show in which he highlights some of his gambling habits and addictions. Alfie talked about how for him this is an exercise in catharsis. 
From there, host John Moloney moved the proceedings on by introducing Beardyman to the stage.  Having won numerous awards he now demonstrates his skills in a variety of ways, performing shows at comedy and other festivals, all around the world.  He has turned beat boxing into an art form, and combines the musical with the technical.  He started off by demonstrating a few simple drum sounds, snare, kick, and hi-hat, before bringing his equipment on stage.  He informs us that what we see is called the Beardytron 5000.  Essentially it’s a mixing desk connected to three iPads.  He tells us that in his current show he is attempting to produce an albums worth of new material each day.  In order for him to do this he simply asks the audience to suggest a subject and a musical style to work with.  From here he will use just his mouth to produce all the sounds; the technology is just there to manipulate those sounds.  For the purposes of this podcast it was suggested he create a dance track in the style of Goa Trance, with a Middle Eastern flavour.  He started off with a basic drum beat followed by some vocal sounds and then some synthesiser sounds, and before we knew it he had created a track that would not have been out of place on a 90’s dance compilation.  It was a great demonstration of the human voice box and his skills individually.  And that is where the show concluded. 

Before going into the Gilded Balloon for the second show of the day, The Comedians Comedian Podcast hosted by Stuart Goldsmith, me and my friend spent some time walking around Potter row, and circling the Underbelly.  As we were sitting on a wall outside the Underbelly we were offered flyers from all manner of people.  One of those flogging their wares was a certain Mr Hardeep Singh Kholi.  Having spotted him out the corner of my eye I nudged my friend and pointed in his general direction.  He then came over to us and we chatted for a brief moment.  He mockingly offered a negative summary of his show to which I responded ‘I’ve heard you on the radio and I’m sure it’ll be great’.  And not long after that it was time to head in to The Gilded Balloon for The Comedians’ Comedian podcast. 

For those that are not familiar with this podcast the premise is this; Stuart Goldsmith, who is an established comedian, invites other comedians to talk about their work.  How they gather material, what inspires them to write, what keeps them motivated, etc.  Having once taken part in a Stand up comedy training programme I am curious to know from the professionals how their jokes work, and the general mechanics of comedy.  I have been listening to this particular podcast since the first one appeared on Soundcloud about a year ago. So for me this was one of the festival highlights.  For this edition of the podcast Stuart was talking to Tim Vine, a British comedian who has, over the last twenty years, amassed an enormous arsenal of one liner jokes. 
In the course of the interview we find out that at one low point he was prepared to give up on comedy completely.  This was whilst supporting another British comedian, Boothby Graffoe.  Having talked to him about his concerns he was convinced that he should stick at it.  I for one am glad he took this advice. 
The advice merely consisted of Boothby shrugging his shoulders at Tim, suggesting not to worry about it and carrying on.  Not one of the greatest pieces of advice you can give someone but it seemed to work in this case.
The interview was carried out very well, as I have come to expect from Stuart Goldsmith.  Although it’s an interview situation the mood was kept light by Tim chucking in the odd joke such as ‘Velcro, what a rip-off’!  I’m very much looking forward to hearing the edited highlights of this show when it appears on Soundcloud.