Funny Old Christmas

I know this is a bit late but here is my Christmas blog:
Sunday, 12-15 and off to the old folks home (in this case my parents) for Christmas dinner.  The dinner was nice but not the important part of this blog;  Read on…
As a family we had decided not to bother exchanging gifts, however, when my brother and I arrive at the house this is an entirely different story;
Yes, my parents had a change of heart without telling us and lo and behold there are presents residing under their tree.
Having no idea that we were to be receiving gifts was surprise enough but not as surprising as the presents themselves.
I pride myself on my sense of humour, and I firmly believe that a sense of humour can be inherited; in my case from my dad.
The first gift I opened would turn out to be very useful on a cold winter’s day; by the feel and weight of it I knew it had to be something tin shaped.  My first thought being a can of coke; but no, it turned out to be a tin of Tomato Soup, yummy!
Next to come was a present from my mum.  As she put it a pen to help you with your writing, which was a whole lot more sensible than anything my dad could produce but not as tasty as the soup (maybe, though, I haven’t tasted ink…in a while)
The second present from my dad probably seemed like a fun prospect when he bought it but by the time he presented it to me was less so.
I could not believe my luck when I realised he’d bought me a car; just one problem there, my parents live on a council estate and as to be expected I found it without wheels and sat on bricks.
Luckily those bricks were made out of polystyrene and the car was a scale model of a Mini.  Its ok, we found the culprits…residing in an old box of Lego, along with the police officer that gave them their ASBOs.

Santa in secret

So today I went back to my usual office block after a week and a half of being sequestered to another, on behalf of my company.  On my return I was given the Secret Santa present I was unable to take and accept at our Christmas meal.
If you are aware of the concept of Secret Santa (and lets face it, every body I know is) you'll know there is generally a remit that goes with the buying of the item.
I can appreciate you will be asking What is it?  Well, I'll get to that in just a moment.  Before I do though let me just outline the remit for the present;  The team I work with were told to find something that was either funny or just naff (well, considered by the buyer at least).  Of course, comedy is subjective and what is perceived to be funny is a lot like beauty, in that it is in the eye (or mind) of the beholder.
Had I been buying for myself I would have not have considered what I received as funny, however, I wasn't so I've completely negated that idea; oh well!  I did of course have a chuckle when I unwrapped it.
And so to the item...well, what can i say?  Firstly I'll say it is an item of clothing.  Secondly I'll say its not a mans item of clothing (well, not any man I know), and thirdly I would never contemplate buying such an item for myself (although I have bought one of these for someone else...and he loved it!).
I think that's enough rambling on the subject; I'm obviously just putting off the inevitible; I think its a reaction to it or maybe a slight case of trauma (to me, dear reader, not you).  Now scroll down for a picture of the 'present'.

Company Christmas Don'ts

          Christmas is fast approaching, and as is customary this time of year, companies all over the country will be holding their own celebrations. Whether its by booking a table in a nice restaurant, hiring the main hall of a hotel, or just down the local pub, you can usually tell how it will end up.  And anyone who has ever attended one of these functions will know that for the most part they are fun and enjoyable, even if it’s with people you don’t (necessarily) socialise with outside of work. But sometimes these things seem to just descend into a world of stupidity, nonsense, and even depravity. I’d like to share the following encounter which happened a few years ago at such an event;
                     Due to being on antibiotics at the time I was unable to drink alcohol.  This turned out to be a good thing, as it gave me a chance to observe the other revellers.  Having previously heard all about some of their typical Friday nights out I should not have been surprised at what went on at this event. However, as you are about to discover, some of these so-called 'professionals' managed to bring the whole thing down in utter chaos; 
         There were people falling over on the dance floor, some on top of others, like some kind of school yard pile up; I’m sure that just before I witnessed that I heard the word ‘bundle’ coming over the PA system. There were people throwing up in the toilets (not the disabled ones…there wasn’t enough room with couples‘getting it on’) and under and even onto their own tables. I saw one guy (lets not call him poor or unfortunate, because he was neither of those things), throw up onto his partner’s un-touched (after this) dessert; it looked like a cross between a badly made trifle and vegetable soup, croutons included!
                           But, out of all the things I witnessed on that night, none were as messy, saddening or, dare I say, as funny, as the sight of a fully grown (albeit short) man being fed roast potatoes by his colleague sat next to him. Funnier still was the sight of him, head down, eyes closed, gnawing on the same potato for what seemed like tens of minutes. It was, in actual fact, only around four or five.  Looking on at this sad display I could only compare it to seeing a child being fed its first solid meal by its mother, or an old person who, a) had forgotten to put their teeth in that day or b) suffered from the awful effects of Alzheimer's! And all this before ten o'clock in the evening!

Merry Christmas to you all!

Milton Jones at MECA, Swindon 7th December

I have been a fan of Milton Jones since first hearing him on BBC7 (or Radio 4 Extra as its now known) way back in 2004.  I stumbled upon him when I first had a Freeview box; and that was one of the reasons i have continued to listen to Radio 4 Extra and Radio 4.  His Radio programmes The Very World of, and Another Case of (Milton Jones) have been purely brilliant with every series.  Not one episode of these shows has disappointed and neither has he whenever i've seen him on TV.  I knew i was in for a treat to finally see him for real.  The only drawback was of a personal nature, in that I hadn't slept very well for days beforehand; not that it was anything to do with this event...anyway on with the review.
         I arrived at the venue at 7-15 to be met by my friend Chris.  The tickets were held at the box office, we picked them up and in we went.
          The show started at 7-35, just five minutes after it was due, which is pretty good going for any comedy show.
          The MC, Matt Reed came on to rapturous applause.  It was warranted as he turned out to be a great worker of the (sold out) crowd.  He warmed the crowd up to within an inch of its life before introducing Ian Stone, the first act of the evening;
         He's a very good comedian with a great line in Jewish humour.  When i say Jewish humour I don't mean he was all Jackie Mason impersonations and Matriarchal mothers. Actually only about 10% of his material was what you could call Jewish, the other 90% was observational;  He told us a little about himself, talked to the audience, made them aware that he didn't mind being heckled but as it turned out there was no heckling and he carried on through his set. Some of his routines were simply things he'd noticed, or like the majority of us, found funny about the world in general.  There was also a brief foray into the world at large i.e. our position in Afghanistan, and to a lesser extent Al-qaeda.  None of that material was shocking in the least, and i don't think anyone in the audience found anything remotely offensive about that.
         There was a 20 minute interval, then Matt Reed came back for a few minutes before introducing the 2nd act of the evening;
          Joel Dommett is a young comedian (not that I'm comparing ages with Ian Stone you understand) with the gift of the gab.  Although his set was largely enjoyed by the audience, for me I felt there was something lacking in his attempts to fully win over the crowd.  I found his humour just a little short of funny. Having said that, the story he relayed about nearly crashing his bicycle into an opened car door was probably the highlight of his set.  I suppose there is something inherently funny about slowing right down to stand still and falling sideways into the lap of the person driving the car, but one joke a great routine does not make.
          At the end of his set there was a 2nd interval followed by the headlining brilliance of Milton Jones;  Most people will know Milton Jones from his (all too brief) appearances on Mock The Week.  Those that have a slightly wider knowledge of him may well have seen him on Live At The Apollo (most recently 2 weeks ago), wearing what can only be described as LOUD shirts.
          Swindon's very own Frequency magazine called him the 'King of the surreal one-liners'.  While I agree with that, I also believe that not all of his material relies on that surrealist bent; For instance, the following joke; "I was on a bus, sitting next to an old man. He asked if we should be in Afghanistan? and i said i don't know i only paid to Ealing Broadway!"
         My personal highlight was his "I was walking down the street when i saw a dead baby ghost...turns out it was a handkerchief".  After 45 minutes of fantastic one-liners and some brilliant audience banter it was the end of the show...or was it? Well, actually it was!

Why I hate technology

Do you sometimes feel as though technology wants to get back at you for some reason?  No – maybe it’s just me then.
I went to work on wednesday, knowing that my password was about to expire; what I wasn’t expecting was to be locked out and have to get a new password.
This should be a simple process of someone resetting it.  It shouldn’t turn into some French farce of going back and forth to that person in order to just get into your company system. 
I was asked to provide a password (that I could and did remember).  I did as I was asked and to wait 20 minutes before attempting to gain entry.  If I knew this was a fortress I would have gathered up an army.  Of course, in this context, this isn’t a fortress but merely a simple computer system, run by a corporate company.
With over an hour of going to the password resetter and back to my desk to attempt to sign-on again, I felt like giving up and asking to go home, rewind the time and start again.  Obviously, this didn’t happen and I merely tried and tried and tried. Every attempt failed, much like talks with David Cameron, attempting to settle the Euro zone crisis.
I think in both cases, giving up is the best and simplest option to take.

Poxy glue and stuff

Today, I decided to visit my best friend Steve at the shop he works in (see the picture above).  Its the first time i'd seen him since he got married 3 weeks ago.  Whilst I was waiting to speak to him (in between the to-ing and fro-ing of business) a customer came in and asked for some glue.  Because my mate was rushed off his feet he asked if it was the poxy stuff he was after?  And without a hint of irony the customer said "I'd prefer the good stuff, if you have it".  I could so easily of made that last bit up, but I didnt need to! 
It always facinates and intrigues me that people don't see the funny side of what they say;  I guess that's why I decided to have a go at stand up (see the video below).  I'm always looking for the funny in conversations and situations. 
My friend (and comedian) Sarah Archer said she could see that in me the first day I went on her stand up course, back in April 2011 (seems a lifetime ago now).  If anyone in the Swindon area fancies having a go at stand up, I highly recommend going on her course ( www.lemon-squeeze.co.uk ).  It may well prove as amazing an experience for you as it did me.  
After i'd done it a work friend said 'Dave, I can't believe you did that...you said you'd never have the guts to do it' and i said in response 'well, never say never is what i say and i never said never'.  Oviously there are things that I would say never to; jumping out of an aeroplane for one.  Reason being, I am terrified of heights but also because I have a heart condition and its not recommended that I go on rollercoasters let alone jumping out of planes (oh, and plus the fact i'm a wimp).  I'm not saying I didnt find stand up scary but I find any adrenaline based past time a far scarier prospect than just standing on stage for five minutes, talking a load of crap one-liners about my childhood and home life.

Curry, Comedy and Cakes

Last night (29th Nov) I went for a meal with my college tutor and other members of the writing class I attended recently.
     It was great to chat in a social way with one's peers.  Although I am on an (almost) equal footing with these guys, I still hold them in very high regard.  Whether that is because in some silly way I feel that they are superior writers than myself i'm not sure.  It's always something i concern myself over.  I wouldnt say i'm insecure but of my abilities as a writer have always been something of an issue.  On the up side of this i am assured (by my peers) that i have as much ability as anyone else.
     And so to the meal.  We met in a very nice place called The Goddard Arms.  The layout is very comfortable, and they even had 'Ambient' lighting (or was it just dark?) Anyway, the food was nice (Chicken Tikka on skewers, and Chicken Tikka Masala) but more importantly the company was great, a range of topics were discussed and we had a lot of laughs along the way;
     You may (or may not, depending on how observant you are) have noticed the video of little ole me doing Stand up.  Well, this was one of the topics we talked about.  Hotly discussed was the fact of whether there is too much reliance on profanity in comedy these days.  This, of course depends on the context of the routine and who is delivering it.  If you hear the name Roy 'Chubby' Brown, you automatically think of rudeness, racism and really crude jokes, mostly containing the C-word (and thats just how i'd describe him). 
     My friend Tom took slight exception to Sarah Millican, who he believes to be crude.  I leapt to her defence, and argued that there are not enough female comics of her quality and there needs to be a higher percentage in comparison to men.  Anyone would think i'm a feminist by saying that, but no, just a realist who happens to think jokes about cakes and periods are right on, sister!  At one time men got away with making jokes about their mothers in law, their wives and how fat they are;  Obviously this is no longer acceptable, because, for one thing its no longer 1975, and secondly, Bernard Manning is no longer the height of stand up sophistication.  My point is that female comics are allowed to get away with jokes about their boyfriends, cakes and 'women's problems' because i'm sure they have had to put up with jokes about their mothers, weight gain, etc for long enough.

Wills And Kate Hit Skid Row

As part of their tour of Canada and Hollywood the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge made an impromptu guest appearance at a gig held by rock band Skid Row.
For the first time in his life and unlike his Grand-Mother, William had no need to ask ‘And what do you do’.   He knew all too well ‘what they do’. 
Picking up a guitar and throwing the strap over his shoulder, William instantly remembered the chords of ‘Youth Gone Wild’, the Row’s biggest hit.
Being a fan of the band since early childhood, and having attended several of their concerts Kate couldn’t recall seeing William in the group.  That, however, was probably due to the fact that, firstly, he was introduced as Wills.I.Am.Not, and secondly he was dressed in a long dark wig, leather trousers and check shirt.  With the addition of dark glasses once owned by Ozzy Osbourne it’s not surprising she failed to recognise him. 
Kate could not believe her luck that, not only has she bagged herself a Prince, but a Prince of Rock.  These were moments she would treasure for the rest of her life.  The wedding may have been a fairy tale, but this really was a dream come true.
It wasn’t until the Prince (of rock) came off stage that he was informed by one of his aides that they’d ended up at the wrong venue.
He took it all in good faith and even managed a dig at his brother.  He said “maybe one day my brother Harry will reach the heights of Skid Row”.

*written in July 2011

Bjork to star in live action film of Crystal Tipps and Alistair

It has been confirmed that the Icelandic pop singer Bjork has successfully landed the lead role in the forthcoming live action version of Crystal Tipps and Alistair.  Having been away from the music scene for the last two years she decided to have a go at acting for a second time. When asked how she came to audition for the part she responded by saying “I felt this was the right time to declare independence on my musical career'.  When asked why this role in particular, she informed us that 'it seemed the perfect role for my new candyfloss hairdo and I was able to display my sensuality, big time at the audition. I guess it was the army of me coming to the fore'.
Other candidates considered for the role included Jazz legend Cleo Laine and actress/dancer Bonny Langford (as she was in Just William). The director of the forthcoming feature, Mike Leigh, informed us as to how they were pipped to the Post by Bjork; ‘Look at it from my point of view' he responded 'on the one hand you have Cleo Laine, a very successful and highly influential candyfloss haired jazz artist, and on the other you have an irritating dancer and actress who played an annoying little brat in a kids show’. He added that ‘Cleo just couldn’t bring the gritty realism to the role that I was looking for. And as for Ms Langford she just made me scream and scream and scream until I was sick sick sick’.

BA Was a CA in the TA

It has been revealed that B.A. Baracus, one of the stars of The A Team, never was an ex-Vietnam veteran.  Bryan Amis, his real name, was in fact a Careers Advisor for the British Territorial Army.

Talking to Bryan’s mum she suggested that BA’s most well known phrase ‘Ain’t Getting on No Plane, Fool’ was just something he made up. In real life Bryan was genuinely scared of flying and this fear was revealed when The A-Team was in pre-production. 
The programme makers asked the cast to provide any fears or flaws they could use as part of their characters.  They were all put through a series of tough and scrutinising psychological tests; Dirk Benedict, the actor who played Face-Man, admitted to fears of infidelity and loneliness.  As with all great shows, the writers exploited these in full.  It seemed appropriate that he should play it in the style of a Romeo.  Subsequent fears to emerge included that of Dwight Schulz, the actor who played Mad Murdoch; although he was meant to have a multiple personality disorder, he only had a slight paranoia complex.  As for Hannibal Smith (George Peppard),the so-called ‘brains’ of the outfit, only displayed the flaw of being unable to conduct himself without plugging the gap in the side of his mouth with a cigar.  So how did Bryan Amis, of Leamington Spa, become one of the stars of a poorly plotted and badly acted TV show about four ex-Vietnam veterans, fighting the evils of modern (well, 80’s at least) villainy?  The answer lies with the Territorial Army; Bryan was invited to America to co-ordinate a training programme alongside the US volunteer core, AmeriCorps.  He soon found himself going from lowly Co-ordinator to official trainee.  The exercise regime was designed to establish how the men would cope under pressure when trapped in a large shed, housing an Acetylene torch, some pipes and a few hundred rounds of ammunition.  The other objective was to see if, against the odds, four (ill equipped) men were able to out-wit a group of corrupt city slickers who were extorting money out of honest, hard working farming folk.  This led to a chance meeting with Mr Stephen J. Cannell, who just happened to be scouting for men to star in a new primetime US TV show.
At the time, Bryan spoke with a broad Leamington Spa accent.  This proved a slight problem for Mr Cannell as he “couldn't understand a word he says”.  When asked how he feels about his mum's revelations B.A. instinctively suggested “I pity the fool”.